My name is Katie and I have battled with #suicidalthoughts since the age of 9. Now that I have a 9 year old daughter of my own, I think about what I needed to hear as a 9 year old girl myself.
When I look back to being 9, everything in the world felt so certain and so very clear. The answers to grown-up's questions seemed obvious - I thought adults were pretty stupid and so blind to what was right in front of them.
Now that I am an adult, I have to agree with my 9 year old self. When did life get so complicated? At what age did we stop looking at the obvious solutions right in front of us and all around us.
Today I wanted to share my thoughts and experience with #suicide .
As a #suicidalchild , and later both a #suicidalteenager and #suicidaladult, I have developed many strategies to keep myself alive. Some days are easy, and on others it comes with great struggle to make it through the day alive.
I don't need to tell you which problems are feeling insurmountable on any given day, and you don't have to tell me yours. The pain is the same. The grief is the same. The laying on the floor, hiding in a closet, or in a ball under the table crying ... you are not the only one feeling like this.
We are hurting and it feels like no one loves us and nothing in the world could ever make it better. We feel like no one else could possibly understand what we're dealing with, because if they did they would let us walk through the door under the big red exit sign of this life.
I want to tell you, I've had those thoughts, hell I still have those thoughts. I would like to share with you the strategies that have helped keep me alive, for my loved ones at 1st, and now for myself.
So here they are, and I want to remind you that I am not a professional therapist in any way- this is the self talk I use to bargain myself out of suicide when things just feel like too much.
Who would be sad if I died?
Who would miss me?
Who would blame themselves for my death?
Do I really want this person to have to agonise over feeling responsible over your suicide?
What is the likelihood I might regret deciding to end my life? (I know this one is sort of a paradox, but it helps me)
Who will have to deal with my funeral arrangements?
How would this scar my siblings?
What opportunities might I be missing out on?
And then I bargain with myself:
9. Can I hold off just one more year. I can always come back to this plan in a year, but once it is done, it cannot be undone. So can I handle just one more year? Just to be sure that this is what I really really want?
Something I've come to realise is this:
Life isn't about us. It's about the relationships we have with other living things- and not just people, but animals, plants and even the billions of microorganisms living inside of your body at any given moment. Life is sort of like a woven fabric. Think about how you weave in to the lives around you, and they weave around you right back, one delicate thread at a time.
Now, think about the void you would leave in the lives around if you were suddenly dead. The fabric would be left with so many holes and be permanently damaged.
Your life matters , even when you can't see it or not at this moment.
I hope someone somewhere finds this helpful.
Canadian Suicide prevention hotline